


Desert

by TheHomestuckWhovian



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, M/M, Presumed Dead, Survivor Guilt, Terminal Illnesses, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-14 02:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15378921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHomestuckWhovian/pseuds/TheHomestuckWhovian
Summary: He was angry. Not just at Shiro, but at himself.





	1. Months

**Author's Note:**

> Okay **MAJOR SPOILERS FOR VLD SEASON 7 AHEAD** and all that business. Since I'm still flipping out, I decided to write a story, but if you don't want to be spoiled, now would be the time to close this tab or whatever.
> 
> Anyway I am so happy that we got this, and then my emo/evil brain was like, "Make it depressing."
> 
> So, here we go.

He sat on the edge of the canyon, watching the sunset silently.

This was not something he did alone. This was something he did with his siblings, or his best friends, or Taka-

His train of thought screeched to a halt, and for the first time since he received the news, his mind actually dwelled on all the thoughts he had been avoiding. Since before the news, since before the take off he didn't show up for, since before that moment he gave an ultimatum that took the man he loved away from him forever.

God, he felt like a jackass. Ever since Iverson had told him (Iverson had always been abrasive and easily set off, but the man had been quiet, apologetic, almost mournful when he had told him), he had been trying to avoid thinking of all the ways he had failed, as a partner and as a friend, and now all those ways flew back in his face and he was left to face them and accept that there were some things that he would always regret.

When Shiro had told him about his illness, he had always accepted that their time together was going to get cut short. And Shiro, Shiro loved space and exploring and breaking the barriers that had been set by past records and by his illness and by everyone's doubts. Every bit of struggle he went through was just another barrier to break. He was the best not because of glory, but because it meant he was more than his illness, that he could achieve more than everyone expected of him.

He had felt furious with Samuel Holt after learning that he was the one who had convinced their superiors to let Shiro fly. It seemed like with every mission Shiro flew, they were losing more and more time, and now when that end point had seemed more imminent than ever, the Kerberos mission was going to be long and take Shiro away for too long. He'd blamed Commander Holt for encouraging it, and he'd blamed Matthew Holt for talking about it with almost childish excitement that encouraged it, and he'd blamed Shiro for wanting it.

Now all three of them were dead, and none of them were to blame for it at all. 

He could have had those months with Shiro before take off. He could have had time with him before he flew away to his death, and instead he had been a bitter, petulant child and Shiro died without even a final goodbye, just a man promising that if he returned to Earth that one person wouldn't be there to greet him.

And he had failed Shiro again and again. Instead of mourning, he had shoved it all in the back and worked like it had meant nothing. When Shiro's birthday passed he did nothing but work. He had no idea where Keith was, or if he was even alive, and not once had he bothered to look for the boy Shiro had gladly referred to as his little brother even if he couldn't understand why. 

He still had that ring he had been planning to give Shiro before he had learned about the Kerberos mission. Even when he had turned his back on the man he loved, he'd kept it, out of some sick hope that maybe Shiro would choose him over his dream, and then out of denial.

The sun had set, and the desert cooled quickly. He didn't look at the sky, didn't look at the wide expanse of stars because everything he had loved about it had been ruined the moment Iverson told him Shiro was never coming back.

He could have had months.

It wasn't long at all but those months could have been spent with the man he loved and instead he had been angry and stubborn and now the last memory he had of Shiro was telling him that he wouldn't be there when he came back.

Adam stood, staring at the ground, and he quickly pushed those feelings to the back. He had to get back to the Garrison. There was work in the morning.

And, just because he couldn't help himself, he did look up at the stars. Shiro had always loved that you could see so many in the desert, and Adam remembered sitting out here with him, the two staring up at them for so long and feeling like the moment would never end.

But Shiro was gone, and he was still here, because life wasn't fair and all Adam had done with the best thing in his life was crush it beneath his feet when Shiro wanted more and Shiro had just wanted to follow his dream for as long as he could and now he was dead.

He climbed on the hoverbike, his eyes now looking only forward, and he drove away.

It's not like thinking about Shiro would bring him back.


	2. Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And every logical part of him screamed that if he hadn't gone, Voltron never would have returned. That Allura and Coran would have been trapped in their pods forever, that Zarkon would still be alive, that Lotor would still be draining the remaining Alteans, that the universe would have eventually succembed to Zarkon's control.
> 
> But that didn't make him wish things could have been different.
> 
> He could have had years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect to have a second chapter to this, but you know what? Fuck it, lets write.
> 
> **SPOILERS FOR SEASON 7**

Shiro's favorite stargazing spot was destroyed in the battle.

The cliff had been crushed and shattered to pieces in the fight, and dust from the broken rocks still blew through the wind. Eroded pieces of memories flew around him, memories of racing with Keith across the desert and sitting out there to stare at the sky, pointing out constellations and waxing poetic about going up into that great void to go lengths no humans had gone before before looking over to see the stars reflected in the eyes of the man beside him.

He guessed it made sense that this place was now rubble. Everything he had dreamed about at this spot was now a cold, cruel reality. Shiro had gone farther than any human before, Keith was a young man with no time or opportunity to go racing anymore, and Adam was dead.

Sam had tried to be kind, not explaining what had happened. It was Iverson who told him as he again ran his fingers over the small name that didn't feel big enough to express how important and devastating the loss was.

Shiro couldn't get properly mad at Sanda, as much as he wanted to; there was no point getting mad at a woman who was dead, dead trying to repair the consequences of her own actions. She made stupid, awful mistakes that cost lives and could have cost even more, and now she was dead. Adam was dead, those responsible for his death were dead, and Shiro had no one to blame anymore.

No one except himself.

If he hadn't pushed, hadn't insisted on going on that mission, he never would have been captured. He never would have returned to bring children to fight in a war. He never would have caused Sendak to target Earth.

Adam would be alive if Shiro had just stayed like everyone had told him to. 

And every logical part of him screamed that if he hadn't gone, Voltron never would have returned. That Allura and Coran would have been trapped in their pods forever, that Zarkon would still be alive, that Lotor would still be draining the remaining Alteans, that the universe would have eventually succembed to Zarkon's control.

But that didn't make him stop wishing things could have been different.

He could have had _years_.

Bittersweet, painful years, yes. He would have to spend every moment just watching as he lost mobility bit by bit. That was the part he always feared about his illness, knowing that inevitably he'd lose more as time went along. He wouldn't have the full life that he may have wanted, but those years would have been spent with the man he loved.

Maybe they would have gotten married. Shiro had considered asking before, but he had never been sure that Adam wanted to take care of him when he got older. Neither of them were really looking to have children, but maybe Keith could have come to live with them during the summers instead of going back to the home. Maybe he could have had more chances to look up at the stars with Adam, if he had spent as much time looking down at the Earth as he had looking up.

He had been frustrated during that last moment he had with Adam, young and desperate to prove that this illness wasn't him, desperate that he get one last chance to do what he had always wanted to do one last time before being forced to retire. So desperate that he never once considered Adam could have been right until he was fighting for his life in the gladiator rings of the Galra.

Now, here he was. Alive. Healthy, relatively at least. Haggar probably wanted a challenge when recreating his body without the disease that had haunted him until his first death. He could live until his seventies, maybe older. He wasn't a paladin anymore, but he stood at the helm of the Atlas, just as Allura once stood at the helm of the Castle, and the stars were a responsibility instead of a dream now. He had time that had once seemed limited, and for that chance Adam and countless others lost their own futures to a war he brought them into.

He looked up at the stars, clear and bright in the desert sky. He had gone farther than them, farther than most humans had. The young, sick man desperate to prove himself more than that, now older and healthier and desperate to take it all back, if only long enough to apologize.

He turned his gaze downward. Dust shifted and danced in the wind. At the bottom of where the cliff used to be was a useless pile of rocks. There was no repairing the damage caused here. Not even Allura had the power to do that.

He turned, heading for the car. There were preparations to oversee. The Atlas was heading for Olkarion for a Coalition meeting and Shiro was going to represent the human race. Which was terrifying, but he had a job to do.

As he began to step into the car, he paused. Then, he turned, looking back at the place where he used to sit. If he closed his eyes, he could almost see it still intact, see a young Keith sitting there to talk about his dad, or see a young couple looking up at the desert sky, no clue that the future would take away everything from one of them.

"I'm sorry."

Then he turned and stepped back into the car, and drove away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Am I annoyed that Adam died?_
> 
> Yes. Both in story and out, it felt unnecessary. Sanda was stupid to send out forces unequipped to fight the Galra and the death felt like unnecessary shock value.
> 
> _Do I believe that he's really dead?_
> 
> ...meh? I mean all the pieces are there for him being Dead™ but the death and Shiro's reaction weren't really satisfactory, which hints to me that there is either going to be a reveal in the future or at the very least Shiro is due for a breakdown later on. Really the Galra suck so maybe any survivors of the first attack were sent to places out in space since the Earth work camps hadn't been set up yet? Or maybe he's actually dead. Who knows?
> 
> _Am I going to boycott the show?_
> 
> No. I actually liked most parts of Season 7. 
> 
> Call it queerbaiting all you want, Dreamworks as a company is pretty shit at explicit representation (HTTYD's Gobber for example, which also had to be confirmed outside of canon). Netflix is all about the gay, but Dreamworks has never done more than hint and so I'm not surprised that the creators couldn't give it the depth it deserved. Honestly, the relationship was a hell of a lot more explicit than Gobber got, and so was Zethrid and Ezor's.
> 
> Otherwise, Season 7 was great! The animation was spectacular, the reunions were heartwarming, ~~Grandpa~~ Kolivan showed up again, the parallels were awesome, Allura figuratively passing the torch of leader to Shiro with her circlet's crystal and the white hair, _Romelle_ was better than I imagined, **Colleen** was such a fucking badass and I wish we could have gotten more from her, Hunk got more development and exploration in this season than he had in all the seasons prior, Lance's sister Veronica was so cool, Iverson being the voice of reason and apologizing to Keith and Shiro, just...it wasn't the best season, but it was a good season.There were shit moments, but overall the season had some pretty great moments that made me scream with excitement.
> 
> I won't fight anyone on if they didn't like it. Everyone has understandable reasons for not liking it. I just did.

**Author's Note:**

>  _Do I hate Adam?_ No.
> 
>  _Do I think Adam hates himself?_ Maybe a little.
> 
> If I didn't think his reasoning behind what he did wasn't a little understandable or sympathetic, I wouldn't have written this story. When you know someone you love is going to die eventually and there is nothing you can do, it hurts and it's scary. It doesn't mean he was right, but I can understand it.
> 
> My tumblr is [boopboopitydoop](http://boopboopitydoop.tumblr.com). Come shoot me a message if you want to screech about the reveal.


End file.
